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It should be noted ALL of this is either a direct quote from the booklet or a paraphrase - I wrote none of it I want to give the authors credit
To help you relate my notes back to the actual booklet I have sectioned my notes into the the chapter titles of the booklet and created links within my notes so you can jump around my notes from chapter to chapter
INTENTIONALITY
PURITY
COMMUNITY
CHRISTIAN COMPATIBILITY
INTENTIONALITY
Are you ready to date?
- reflect before God about your own spiritual walk and maturity in Christ
- are you ready and able to date, as dating's purpose is to find a partner for marriage
- the article says that if you can't happily picture yourself being married in a year you aren't ready to date
-once you decide that you are ready to date, look to God’s Word to decide the kind of person to date, and evaluate potential dating partners on those criteria, rather than relying primarily on the world’s treatment of ideas like “attraction” and “chemistry.”
I n Relationships, Dr. Pamela Reeve discusses three levels of friendships: acquaintances, companions and intimate friends. She observes that men and women cannot sustain an intimate friendship without one or the other harboring romantic expectations. She therefore recommends that men and women avoid being intimate friends outside of courtship and marriage. Companions, she says, generally spend less than two hours together a week. When a man indicates he would like to see the woman more than that, but claims they are “just friends,” he sends a mixed message.
"If a woman feels her heart longing for a man who’s not pursuing her, indulging those feelings is unwise."
"Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the swift gazelles and the deer of the wild, not to awaken love until the time is right. " song of solomon 3:5 NLT
Once you’ve met a man you’d like to date, then it’s time to exercise kindness, put your best foot forward in friendship, pray like crazy and maintain good boundaries. The best way to motivate a male friend to “make things official” is to back off from spending so much time with him. If everyone thinks you’re dating, then you’re probably acting like you are. But by giving him so much access to your time, affection and intimate friendship — without requiring any commitment on his part — you’re removing all the incentives for him to be forthright about his intentions. It’s the guy who’s supposed to do the asking. By giving him less attention you may actually create the circumstances that will embolden him to act honorably toward you. If he doesn’t, you’ve saved yourself from any more wasted time with a guy whose behavior reveals he’s not interested in moving your friendship toward marriage.
PURITY
The supreme virtue of the virtuous woman was modesty, a form of sexual self-control, manifested not only in chastity but in decorous dress and manner, speech and deed, and in reticence in the display of her well- banked affections. A virtue, as it were, made for courtship, it served simultaneously as a source of attraction and a spur to manly ardor, a guard against a woman’s own desires, as well as a defense against unworthy suitors....For it is a woman’s refusal of sexual impartings, coupled with hints or promises of later gratification, that is generally a necessary condition of transforming a man’s lust into love.
Women also lost the capacity to discover their own genuine longings and best interests. For only by holding herself in reserve does a woman gain the distance and self-command needed to discern what and whom she truly wants and to insist that the ardent suitor measure up.
As Sarah Hinlicky wrote in “Subversive Virginity,” “A virgin woman is an unattainable object of desire, and it is precisely her unattainability that incresase her desirability.”
Men need the motivation that the promise of sex provides, and women need the security of marriage to fully embrace sex.
Men don’t see marriage, or anticipate it, the way women do. When the benefits of marriage are doled out prematurely, from the man’s perspective, all that remains are the responsibilities. You’re thinking, Marriage will be all this, plus — plus we can set up a home, plus we can have babies together, plus we can grow old together, and more. He’s thinking, Marriage will be all this, minus — minus my freedoms, minus my financial independence, minus my old friends, etc. And so you have the tired old cliche about the cow and the free milk.
To look at, or think about, or treat, any woman to whom you are not married, in a sexual manner, corrupts you. It has a disintegrating influence in your life; it blinds you to who that woman really is, and it will negatively affect your ability to relate to her in a holy and healthy manner. But the more I give way to lust, the less I will see of God; the disintegrating power of evil will draw me away from the noble and corrupt my perception. I will become, ironically, “blinded by sight.”
Of course, what God intended to be a pathway to bond us to our spouses, can also be an area of vulnerability to sin. Just as a woman can be tempted through her heart, a man can be tempted through his eyes.
And, so, if I’m going to help to keep my Christian brothers from stumbling, I need to be careful how much skin and how much, ahem, form I am revealing. In other ways, my brother will be my keeper. But in this way, I can be his. I can help him by making sure I’m one less skirmish in the battle against lust.
As profoundly intimate the experience of sexual union is, at its best, it is just a hint, a small taste of the joy and satisfaction and perfect intimacy we will know with Jesus, when we are united to Him as His Bride.
Sex outside of marriage, therefore, is a fraud and a fake. It pretends to be true intimacy, but is nothing more than exposure. It uses the language of love and commitment, but knows nothing of either. And by suggesting that true pleasure and intimacy can be had without loving, covenantal commitment, it perpetrates a massive assault against the very character and glory of God, whose eternal, intimate, loving relationship within the Trinity is the blueprint and pattern for every intimate pleasure that you or I will ever know.
If the physical relationship becomes the defining feature of the relationship, you’re going to see things more positively than they are. When you’re totally in love and the hormones are really rolling, you’re going to miss things that you should have been able to pick up on.
talking a boiling pot of water about to boil over: —it’s bubbling but we don’t see so clearly what’s in the pot. That could be a really great meal. That could be like the meal for the rest of our lives in terms of what God has for us, or it could be like the worst possible thing that we could eat. I mean it could be disastrous and we’re not going to see clearly if we don’t get the heat back down.
That means an immediate and total end to the use of your bodies for sexual recreation. Anything which sexually arouses — for example, kissing sessions — is out; arousal was designed by God not “for affection” but as preparation for intercourse. Purity also means a total end to anything that tempts you to the impure behavior, such as being alone with each other (even for prayer). Be together, certainly. But be together in public places, and with family, and with friends.
After you’ve gone “cold turkey” on sexual behavior, and kept it up without lapse for at least six months, I think you’ll find it much easier to determine God’s will without the distraction of excessive sexual feelings. I don’t mean that you won’t be attracted to the guy any more! You don’t yet know how you’ll think and feel toward him then; that’s one of the things you’ll find out. But whatever attraction you feel toward him will no longer be artificially and misleadingly amplified by all of that sexual behavior.
If you are in a relationship — even a godly one — a whole universe of purity choices presents itself. Is kissing OK? What about making out? What touch is appropriate and what touch is sinful? On the ladder of physical expressions that ends with sexual intercourse, at what level does one begin sinning? The flaw in these questions is that the emphasis is on the wrong thing: the behaviors. Purity is a heart issue. Luke 6:45 says: “The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart.”
I have struggled with purity issues just as much outside of relationships as in them; the impurity just manifests itself in different ways. As my friend says: “Being in a relationship just brings to the surface sin and impurity that was already lurking beneath the surface.”
The edge of what is “OK” is dangerous, not because you might accidently cross the line and commit the big sin, but because letting in even a hint of immorality causes the heart to become calloused toward God. Thank God for His grace. No matter how far we’ve fallen, we are invited to confess our sins and He is faithful to forgive them (1 John 1:9). Beyond confession there must also be repentance — a true change of heart. I have had to confess impurity and ask God to help me stick to a higher standard. Not so I can appear righteous but so that I can experience closeness with my Father and His full working in my life.
Matthew 5:8 says: “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.”
COMMUNITY
What are the intentions with the relationship -- or more importantly what are the guy's intentions for the relationship (since the guy should have the responsibility). One father asked his daughter's bf what were his plans with his daughter. Once it was surfaced that the bf only had casual plans the relationship ended.
Other Good Questions to Ask:
- Tell me about your spiritual background. What was your church upbringing like? At what point did your spiritual experience become real to you? Have you ever had a period of spiritual rebellion?
- When was the last time you read through the entire Bible? The New Testament?
- Do you attend worship every Lord’s Day?
- What do you believe God has called you to do vocationally? Ten years from now, what do you believe you will be doing? What steps have you taken to reach that goal? What was your GPA in college? How come?
- How much money did you make last year? Do you pay your bills on time? How much debt have you accumulated? Please describe the nature of your debts (student loans, car, house or credit cards).
If you don't have parents who are active in your life or ones who don't share the came convictions you can still use an older couple to be a mentor and look out for you during the process of courting, in place of your parents.
- Start to pray for and seek out mentors. Look for older couples you can spend time with. Ask them to pray with and for you about your desire for marriage.
- One of the keys to a successful mentoring relationship is finding a person, or people, who have strengths in the area you are trying to improve. In the case of mentoring toward marriage, that means approaching a woman whose own godly life gives her credibility to speak into yours.
- Some women still bear the scars of the feminist revolution. Some are still bitter over their own failed marriages. One good test is how a woman reacts to Genesis 2 and Ephesians 5. Because you’re seeking help for marriage, what a potential mentor believes about marriage — and how she lives it out in her own life — matters.
- It’s important to ask her if she’s willing to mentor you. Make it official, says mentoring expert Bobb Biehl, author of Mentoring. Doing so creates opportunities for serious discussion and deep questions that might feel inappropriate in casual conversations.
- Mentoring is different from discipleship, which is highly structured and driven by the teacher. Think of this as a friendship with someone you look up to and respect.
- Meet for coffee, take walks, discuss books you’re reading,talk about what God is showing you in Scripture, tell her what’s currently weighing on your heart, and let her encourage you, pray with you, and when necessary, challenge you. When you do start dating, make the effort to spend time as a couple with your mentor(s). Hopefully the man you are dating will have a mentor, or be open to having one, too. Getting input from a seasoned married couple will help keep your dating relationship on the right track. If the man isn’t a good fit, figuring that out early will spare you a lot of heartache and wasted time. If what you’re after is a strong, healthy marriage relationship, strong healthy relationships within your Christian community are the best way to get there.
CHRISTIAN COMPATIBILITY
Our culture has embraced a rather absurd notion that there is just one person who can “complete us.” This is a disastrous mindset with which to approach a lifelong marital decision.
>This idea of soul mate has inspired countless songs, movies, and novels that we rave over.
One Rutgers University study found that 94 percent of people in their 20s say the first requirement in a spouse is someone who qualifies as a soul mate. Just as surprising, 87 percent think they’ll actually find that person “when they are ready.” A culture suspicious of God nevertheless has brazenly embraced some sort of forceful and intelligent destiny that brings two lovelorn souls together!
The real danger in this line of thinking is that many people mistake a storm of emotion as the identifying mark of their soul mate. The real danger in this line of thinking is that many people mistake a storm of emotion as the identifying mark of their soul mate.
When the music fades and the relationship requires work, one or both partners suddenly discover that they were “mistaken”: this person must not be their soul mate after all! Otherwise, it wouldn’t be so much work. Next they panic. Their soul mate must still be out there! Such people can’t get to divorce court fast enough, lest someone steal their “one true soul mate” meant only for them. When we get married for trivial reasons, we tend to seek divorce for trivial reasons.
God is sovereign but He doesn’t always make His plans clear to us. We are encouraged to use wisdom, not destiny, as our guide when choosing a marital partner. There is no Scripture saying that God creates “one” person for us to marry. This is because Christians believe that God brings the primary meaning into our lives. Marriage — though wonderful — is still secondary.
Proverbs says, “A wife of noble character, who can find?” (31:10). This passage has been misunderstood as being directed toward women, but the verse you’ve just read makes it clear that Proverbs 31 was written mostly for young, single men, telling them, “This is what you want to look for in a wife.” And the top thing to consider is this: “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30).
The Bible is telling young men to search for a woman of character; looks won’t last, but character never leaves. The same is true when you’re searching for a man. Marriage is 98 percent living and 2 percent looking — so learn to value character over appearance. The reason it is so crucial to adopt the Bible’s view of “good and bad choices” over your destiny of finding “the one” is that the former attitude allows you to objectively consider the person you marry. There is no objective measurement of “destiny.”
Powerful emotions can blind us to all sorts of clues; when we adopt the biblical attitude of making a “wise” choice, we can use all that God has given us to arrive at a solid decision that should be based on a number of factors:
- SCRIPTURAL MANDATES Is the person a believer who fears God (Proverbs 31:30) and who is biblically eligible for marriage (Mark 10:11-12)?
- WISDOM How do they handle their money? (Proverbs 31:16, 18) Is this person a hard worker? (Proverbs 13:4; 26:13-15) Do they live an upright life? (Proverbs 13:6, 20; 25:28) Does this person wound people with their words, or are they an encourager? (Proverbs 12:18; 18:21) Are they peaceful, or quarrelsome? (Proverbs 17:19; 29:8)
- PARENTAL, PASTORAL AND WISE ADVICE Your parents know you better than you may realize, and even if they aren’t believers, they generally want the best for you. Also talk to your pastor and people you respect for their counsel: “Does this relationship seem like a ‘fit’ to you? Are there any areas you’re concerned about?” If the people I most respected had serious reservations about a relationship, I would assume I had lost my objectivity due to infatuation, and put all marriage plans on hold.
- PRAYER Rejecting the notion that God creates one person just for us doesn’t discount the reality that God can lead us toward someone, and help us make a wise choice when we seek Him in prayer. Marriage is a school of character. Clement of Alexandria, an early church father (ca. 150-215), captures this thinking marvelously when he writes, “The prize in the contest of men is shown by him who has trained himself by the discharge of the duties of marriage; by him, I say, who in the midst of his solicitude for his family shows himself inseparable from the love of God.” Clement asks, who wins the prize? Not the couple displaying the most emotion, with the biggest smiles on their faces, or who can’t keep their hands off each other; but rather, those who, through the duties and sacrifice of marriage, have trained themselves to love with God’s love.
"What good guys are looking For"
This section has a lot of good encouraging word for the ladies, so much so that I want to just post the whole section, but I can't do that, so I will try to pull out some highlights.
The “good” guys are hoping to find a girl who’s authentic — the real deal — who’s not hiding behind what she thinks people want to see. If she talks a good Christian line, but seems concerned more with how people perceive her rather than being comfortable with who she is, that’s a turn-off . Guys see that as an attempt to compensate for what she lacks. A woman who is secure in who she is — honest about her weaknesses and humble about her strengths — is a woman who is hard to resist. Develop an authentic, adventuresome and risky faith, one willing to follow God wherever He leads. Don’t mistake femininity for passive, inactive faith. -guys take notice of ladies willing to "get dirty" for Christ, to love the unloved, and give without return.
Guys face many things in this world that keep them from maturing into manhood causing them to be passive boys. They are frustrated about the fact that at times their fears — of relationships, of the future, even women — paralyze them. Most young men didn't have authentic Christian masculinity modeled for them, so the path their taking is completely foreign. They are a work in progress and need all the help they can get; so ask how you can pray for him; speak words of encouragement; if you notice his efforts toward maturity and manhood, let him know. It’ll do wonders for him.
If you feel like there are no good guys around, don't fret he could be just around the corner. John Thomas give a good analogy, "The good guy can be like the great restaurant that only locals know about. The tourists miss it because they fall for the “traps” of the neon sign and convenient location of the franchise, not realizing that the best is tucked away just a few blocks over."
"Settling"
Worries about settling reveal a selfish approach to marriage that misunderstands the Bible’s idea of love.
This approach conceives of finding a spouse from the standpoint of what will be most enjoyable for me based on my tastes and desires.
I respond to attributes of yours that I like because of their potential to please me.
In Scripture, love is described not as a mere emotion based on personal desire (i.e., “attraction”), but as an act of the will that leads to selfless actions toward others.
Jesus’ love for us did not result from our inherent loveliness or our wonderful treatment of Him. He didn’t go to the cross as a spontaneous response triggered by mere emotion. His perfect love of us was a choice, an act undertaken despite our lack of attractiveness — and it led to both sacrifice and joy.
-----side note: applies to all areas of life-----
In any discussion of earthly circumstances or relationships, when we are tempted to pursue and think we’re entitled to an idealized, easy, hassle-free life, it’s not a bad thing to think about the truth of what we deserve, and the blessings God has given us instead.
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Nobody really “settles” in a biblical marriage because God has designed marriage as a wonderful gift that gets better with age. This is what people worried about settling don’t seem to get. They think joy in marriage is all about the original choice one makes about whom to marry, rather than how they nurture and build their marriage. Again, this misses the picture of biblical marriage.
Marriage is incredibly fun; it’s also incredibly hard. For most people it is the greatest act of ministry and service to another person that they will ever undertake. Husbands are literally called to “give themselves up for” their wives. Wives are called to submit to, respect, and serve their husbands “as to the Lord.”
Though husbands and wives receive countless blessings from a biblical marriage, the very idea of biblical marriage describes an act — many acts — of love, service, sacrifice, and ministry toward a sinful human being. According to Scripture, marriage is anything but a selfish endeavor. It is a ministry.
Passion that binds husbands and wives together is built through two faithful people, growing in God’s word, studying one another deeply and attentively with an eye toward uniquely ministering to and serving each other
"The Real Non-Negotiables"
Have you ever known a man that you’ve thought about dating, but in the end, ruled him out because he didn’t measure up? If you’re holding out for perfection, or have a long list of must-haves, it’s possible you’re overlooking some good men who are already in your life.
For a Christian woman, there are some nonnegotiables for choosing a mate:
=>A man must be a believer.
=>He must be able and willing to provide for his family.
=>He must love sacrificially.
=>He must be honest, have a good reputation and strive for the qualities of a spiritual leader. (See Acts 6:3, 1 Timothy 3:1-7 and Titus 1:6-9)
"Expect to Marry a Sinner"
If I enter into marriage knowing that my spouse will sin, then I won’t be disappointed when ... surprise ... he/she does sin.
We tend to be more aware of being a sinner than being sinned-against. We often discount that sin effects everyone not just. The offensive behavior of someone else is likely caused by sin. Because of that reason we should practice grace and have realistic expectations, expectations based in what Scripture says about human nature.
"Faith for The Man He'll Become"
If you’ve had numerous godly male role models in your life — your father, pastor, boss, family friend, uncle, small group leader you may already have a mental picture based on the qualities you appreciate in these men. You may see some of the husbands and fathers in your church and think to yourself that you’d like to marry a man just like them.
Their wives didn’t marry the husbands they have today. Typically, they married less seasoned men. Thanks to the Holy Spirit’s refinements over time, as well as the feminine counsel, influence, and encouragement of these wives, their husbands are different some 20-plus years down the line.
Look at your prospective mate through eyes of faith: what do I have faith that he will become?
While you are called to be discerning about the characters of the men you befriend or court/date, you also have a part in encouraging these men to grow.
>We should be looking for the initial efforts that young men make as they respond to the requirements of masculine servant-leadership described in the Bible. 1 Timothy 3:1-10 lists the traits required of church leaders
>This compact list presents trustworthy standards by which we can evaluate men.
Honestly, though, when we are attracted to a man, we can be a bit dazzled by him and not as objective as we need to be — a normal reaction. Therefore, watching a man’s commitment to the Bride of Christ is going to help us discern how he will interact with an earthly bride.
"Marriage Matures Women Too"
Marriage — and the influence of a loving, supportive, respectful wife — has a positive effect on men as well as women.
Don’t forget, as you look at the single men we know with “eyes of faith,” that women have a lot of growing to do too. Just as God uses marriage to mature the character of men, He uses it to redeem the nature of women.
"Pray Boldy"
p56
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